Divorce

03/11/2014Author: Clarissa Rayward

If you’ve made the decision to separate, the next question is often ‘where do I start?’

Where possible, I recommend keeping your lives ‘the same’ in the short term to give yourselves time to properly plan where you might both go next. It is often not necessary for your finances to immediately change a day after you have separated. Similarly, you don’t have to start organising living arrangements for your children two days after you have separated. Take your time, breathe and really think about what needs to happen immediately. There is every chance that almost nothing needs to change in the first few days.

If I could have the opportunity to sit down with a separating couple the day that their relationship has come to an end, I would talk to them about slowing down. I would see if it was possible for them to agree on arrangements for the next six weeks. Six weeks gives everyone a little bit of time to start to grieve, to start to consider their future and to start to remove some fear. If I suggested to you that you had to move house in only two weeks there is every chance that you would go into a state of either panic or denial. However, if I said to you that you had about six weeks where nothing was going to change, where you could have security in your accommodation and your children’s lives were not going to be any different, there is every chance that you would be able to relax just a little and start to focus on the future. I call this a ‘holding pattern’. The sooner you and your partner can find a holding pattern the better. It is only a short-term solution, but one intended to allow both of you time to start to grieve and the security to know that your lives are not going to turn upside down overnight.

Creating your ‘holding pattern’

When considering your holding pattern, try and focus on the next six weeks only. You should think about the following things yourself and then take the time to talk with your spouse, if you can, to reach an agreement.

 

Consideration	A few options	Other things to consider
Where will you both live?	Could you both stay in your home for a few weeks and sleep in separate rooms? Do you have alternate accommodation close by like a rental or another home? Can one of you stay with friends or family? Could you each take turns to leave the home for a few days so one person does not feel like they are the one who has been displaced?	You should obtain legal advice before you make any significant decisions about whether you need to sell property or not. At this early stage, you are just looking to find a temporary arrangement to minimise conflict- you are not planning the entirety of the division of your financial matters.
How will you operate your finances for the next few weeks?	Can you leave things the way they were? Can you both agree not to make any significant change to the financial arrangements without first agreeing? Are there savings that you might divide between you so you both have some financial independence and security to obtain advice and plan your future? How will you pay the mortgage and other regular expenses?	At some point your finances will need to be separated but it is not essential for this to happen immediately. Where couples are able to do this gradually, I have seen lasting agreements form very quickly. By contrast, if someone withdraws funds without notice or rearranges bank accounts, it can immediately set the scene for mistrust and lead to significant conflict.
What about your children?	What will you tell them? What, if any, changes will occur for them immediately? Do things need to change for them at all right now?	As parents, you both know your children better than anyone. Do take into account their personalities, ages and emotional intelligence before having any conversations with them about your separation. Try and deliver a consistent message together that you both still love your children and your separation is not their fault. Remember that your children will also suffer grief as a result of your separation so do everything you can to shelter them from you own emotions.
What other immediate things are concerning each of you?	Who else will you talk to about your situation? How might you tell family and friends? How will you communicate over the next few weeks?	Write a list of all the things that are worrying you and try and then reduce that list to the most pressing and important issues that you need some answers on. It might be as simple as knowing what your partner will be telling his friends and associates about your break up. It is helpful if you are both able to share a consistent story and keep intimate details private.

 

An excerpt from Clarissa’s book, Splitsville- How to separate stay out of Court an stay friends

You can purchase a copy of Splitsville here.